Friday, April 01, 2005

Academy Awards Acceptance Speech Generator.

Up for an Oscar, but too darned busy to write your acceptance speech? Have no fear! This handy-dandy interweb doo-dad can do the heavy lifting for you.

The Generator's Acceptance Speech for the Best Complexion in a Documentary Oscar:

Thank you! Oh! Thank you! I can hardly conjugate verbs! I feel so surgically enhanced! And this statue - it's so heavy! Oh, thank you again! I just want everyone to secretly suspect that even in my wildest fits of self-loathing, I never would have frantically prayed that this could ever be so meaningless. And to the other suck-ass nominees, I want each of you to know how totally saddened your fake smiles makes me feel right now!

You know when they first told me I was not the father, I just had to take a Xanax and laugh about how freakish my experiences have been. I guess it all just makes me feel kinda cheap You know, there are so many back-stabbing leeches to thank! First off though, I want to thank the senile old bats of the Academy, who looked deep within their lint-encrusted navels before giving me this fantastic award! Also, I want to thank my guru, for being such a powerful force in my life. And to the hooker with the heart of gold, who taught me to take life by the day. And finally, to all the personal assistants I fired - I couldn't have done it without you!

Thank you America, and good night!

[ Academy Awards Acceptance Speech Generator ]